Sunday, December 27, 2009
Cousin Willie's thought fer the day:
Sometimes life is a little too much egg and not enuff nog, if you know what I mean.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Why is Cousin Willie so different?
Alert fan (and probable relation) Louisa has discovered a hidden message in my "Twas the Night Afore Xmas" video. It 'splains a little bit about what makes Cousin Willie a bit different:
Friday, December 25, 2009
Cousin Willie's thought fer the day:
Zzzzzzzzzzzz....capback giddya-off'n my foot...dumb ol' dog...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Cousin Willie's thought fer the day:
Can anybody tell me who this Phillipe Mazeltov guy is and what in the heck he has to do with Xmas?!?
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Cousin Willie's thought fer the day
Every Xmas Eve I end up naked and drunk down in the dumpster of the Piggly Wiggly with a new tattoo that I don't remember, a girl I don't know and a dog chewin' on my foot. Just one year I'd like to skip that dang dog.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Cousin Willie's thought fer the day
Watch out fer them bell-ringin' sunovaguns in front of the Wal-mart...They's awful grouchy of someone else spittin' in they spittoons. No holiday spirit a'tall.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Cousin Willie's thought fer the day:
I understand Miller Genuine Draft in a can...but whys do they serve it on tap, too?
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Cousin Willie's thought fer the day
I quotes the great Frank Benjamin who said that "Beer is proof that God exists and he wants us to drink more of it".
Smart, smart man. He invented electrical kites, y'know.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Twas the Night Afore Xmas (Redneck Style)
Twas the Night Afore Xmas (Redneck Style)
'Twas the night afore Christmas, when all through the park
Not a dang thing was stirring, even the hounds didn’t bark;
The place was a mess cause none of us care,
but it’s all good ‘cause we gots beers and lawn chairs;
The childrens were bundled all snuggled up in they beds,
Playin’ over that last game of Halo in their heads;
Ol’ mamma in her muumuu, me in flannel and cap,
Just settled down our asses for a big ol’ catnap,
When out on the lawn there came such a noise,
I sprang from my futon and tripped over kid’s toys.
To the window I flew and stuck my head out,
Tore open the thing and screamed out a shout.
The moon was out ‘cause Jeb don’t have blinds
The Meezus cousins, as usual, drunk outta they minds,
When, what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,
But a drop-top ol’ Caddy, pulled by eight crazy deer,
With a little old driver, five feet tall with a stump
I knew in a moment it must be Uncle Lump.
Probably rabid but when he called the deer came,
He whistled, shouted, and called them rude names;
"Now, Basher! now, Slasher! now, Snotty and Twitchin’!
On, Clumpy! on Stumpy! on, Mangy and Bitchin’!
To the top of the porch! Over the busted cement wall!
Now stash away! dash away! smash away all!"
And damned if they didn’t but they started to fly,
I hadn’t had a drink in an hour and I sure wasn’t high,
Up to the trailer-top the deer they did flew,
With a trunk full of booty and Uncle Lump, too.
Thanks to a brick, through my locked door did he pass
While his nasty old deer sat outside passing gas.
As I drew my trusty ol’ pistol, and was turnin’ around,
In the room came Uncle Lump with barely a sound.
He was dressed all in fur, from what I could not tell,
His clothes were all filthy…you wouldn’t believe the smell;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
At least half of them stolen from my ol’ pal Mack.
His eyes we’re all rheumy and crusty with goop!
His nostrils leaked like hoses, his back had a stoop!
He drooled a bit as he sized me up and down,
His beard was sticky, on his boots something brown;
Ash from his pipe was making holes in my rug,
He puffed out a smoke ring and from a flask took a chug;
He pulled aside his coat and I went a bit numb,
Above his fat belly sat a pearl-handled magnum.
He was angry and drunk and had nothing to lose,
So I stepped back away as he packed up my shoes;
And my stereo, jeans, DVDs and Sanyo TV,
Even my statue of Jesus to complete his crime spree;
He spoke not a word, and turned away with a smirk,
And filled his bags with all my stuff, the jerk,
He showed me one of his fingers and stuck another in his nose,
And giving a wink, out the front door he goes;
He sprang to his ride, and he let out a whistle,
And away they flew like an outbound missile.
He gave out a laugh and all the neighbors, they saw it,
"Merry Christmas” he said, and “I got your wallet".
'Twas the night afore Christmas, when all through the park
Not a dang thing was stirring, even the hounds didn’t bark;
The place was a mess cause none of us care,
but it’s all good ‘cause we gots beers and lawn chairs;
The childrens were bundled all snuggled up in they beds,
Playin’ over that last game of Halo in their heads;
Ol’ mamma in her muumuu, me in flannel and cap,
Just settled down our asses for a big ol’ catnap,
When out on the lawn there came such a noise,
I sprang from my futon and tripped over kid’s toys.
To the window I flew and stuck my head out,
Tore open the thing and screamed out a shout.
The moon was out ‘cause Jeb don’t have blinds
The Meezus cousins, as usual, drunk outta they minds,
When, what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,
But a drop-top ol’ Caddy, pulled by eight crazy deer,
With a little old driver, five feet tall with a stump
I knew in a moment it must be Uncle Lump.
Probably rabid but when he called the deer came,
He whistled, shouted, and called them rude names;
"Now, Basher! now, Slasher! now, Snotty and Twitchin’!
On, Clumpy! on Stumpy! on, Mangy and Bitchin’!
To the top of the porch! Over the busted cement wall!
Now stash away! dash away! smash away all!"
And damned if they didn’t but they started to fly,
I hadn’t had a drink in an hour and I sure wasn’t high,
Up to the trailer-top the deer they did flew,
With a trunk full of booty and Uncle Lump, too.
Thanks to a brick, through my locked door did he pass
While his nasty old deer sat outside passing gas.
As I drew my trusty ol’ pistol, and was turnin’ around,
In the room came Uncle Lump with barely a sound.
He was dressed all in fur, from what I could not tell,
His clothes were all filthy…you wouldn’t believe the smell;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
At least half of them stolen from my ol’ pal Mack.
His eyes we’re all rheumy and crusty with goop!
His nostrils leaked like hoses, his back had a stoop!
He drooled a bit as he sized me up and down,
His beard was sticky, on his boots something brown;
Ash from his pipe was making holes in my rug,
He puffed out a smoke ring and from a flask took a chug;
He pulled aside his coat and I went a bit numb,
Above his fat belly sat a pearl-handled magnum.
He was angry and drunk and had nothing to lose,
So I stepped back away as he packed up my shoes;
And my stereo, jeans, DVDs and Sanyo TV,
Even my statue of Jesus to complete his crime spree;
He spoke not a word, and turned away with a smirk,
And filled his bags with all my stuff, the jerk,
He showed me one of his fingers and stuck another in his nose,
And giving a wink, out the front door he goes;
He sprang to his ride, and he let out a whistle,
And away they flew like an outbound missile.
He gave out a laugh and all the neighbors, they saw it,
"Merry Christmas” he said, and “I got your wallet".
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Lyrics for the 12 Days of Redneck Christmas
The Twelve Days of Redneck Christmas
On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
A case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the second day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the third day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Five parts fer my truck,
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Six stock cars crashin’,
Five parts fer my truck,
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the seventh day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Seven ex’s callin’,
Six stock cars crashin’,
Five parts fer my truck,
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Eight strippers strippin’,
Seven ex’s callin’,
Six stock cars crashin’,
Five parts fer my truck,
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the ninth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Nine dogs fer huntin’,
Eight strippers strippin’,
Seven ex’s callin’,
Six stock cars crashin’,
Five parts fer my truck,
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Ten cousins kissin’,
Nine dogs fer huntin’,
Eight strippers strippin’,
Seven ex’s callin’,
Six stock cars crashin’,
Five parts fer my truck,
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Eleven pies of pizza,
Ten cousins kissin’,
Nine dogs fer huntin’,
Eight strippers strippin’,
Seven ex’s callin’,
Six stock cars crashin’,
Five parts fer my truck,
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Twelve songs by Gretchen Wilson (she’s a cutie, ain’t she?),
Eleven pies of pizza,
Ten cousins kissin’,
Nine dogs fer huntin’,
Eight strippers strippin’,
Seven ex’s callin’,
Six stock cars crashin’,
Five parts fer my truck,
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me!
On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
A case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the second day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the third day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Five parts fer my truck,
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Six stock cars crashin’,
Five parts fer my truck,
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the seventh day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Seven ex’s callin’,
Six stock cars crashin’,
Five parts fer my truck,
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Eight strippers strippin’,
Seven ex’s callin’,
Six stock cars crashin’,
Five parts fer my truck,
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the ninth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Nine dogs fer huntin’,
Eight strippers strippin’,
Seven ex’s callin’,
Six stock cars crashin’,
Five parts fer my truck,
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Ten cousins kissin’,
Nine dogs fer huntin’,
Eight strippers strippin’,
Seven ex’s callin’,
Six stock cars crashin’,
Five parts fer my truck,
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Eleven pies of pizza,
Ten cousins kissin’,
Nine dogs fer huntin’,
Eight strippers strippin’,
Seven ex’s callin’,
Six stock cars crashin’,
Five parts fer my truck,
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Twelve songs by Gretchen Wilson (she’s a cutie, ain’t she?),
Eleven pies of pizza,
Ten cousins kissin’,
Nine dogs fer huntin’,
Eight strippers strippin’,
Seven ex’s callin’,
Six stock cars crashin’,
Five parts fer my truck,
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me!
the 12 Days of Redneck Christmas
Cousin Willie regales us with his rendition of the 12 Days of Redneck Christmas:
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Pernunciations and Meanings
Some folks say that I can be a little tough ta understand sometimes. Here's a list of some common words and phrases I've been know ta udder and they meanings. More ta come.
T.V. - TayVay: The crown jewel of any proper livin' area or fancy bathroom.
Bathroom - Baithrum: Where a man goes to do his best thinkin' and stinkin'. Heh. I'm a poet and didn't even know it.
Get your drink on - Git yer drink own: What you need to do ta get right before a big night out on the town.
Christmas - Krismus: That special time a year what celebrates when the little baby Jesus come down from space and most of us takes our yearly bath.
Well - Way-ul: The thing what you gets the water from fer the Christmas bath.
Satellite dish - Sat-i-lat dee-ush: The thing what you ties the dog to so he stays in the yard.
Varnish - Varneesh: What happens to a man when the alimony's due.
Foreplay - Furplee: What you gets when you puts your dollar in the jukebox.
T.V. - TayVay: The crown jewel of any proper livin' area or fancy bathroom.
Bathroom - Baithrum: Where a man goes to do his best thinkin' and stinkin'. Heh. I'm a poet and didn't even know it.
Get your drink on - Git yer drink own: What you need to do ta get right before a big night out on the town.
Christmas - Krismus: That special time a year what celebrates when the little baby Jesus come down from space and most of us takes our yearly bath.
Well - Way-ul: The thing what you gets the water from fer the Christmas bath.
Satellite dish - Sat-i-lat dee-ush: The thing what you ties the dog to so he stays in the yard.
Varnish - Varneesh: What happens to a man when the alimony's due.
Foreplay - Furplee: What you gets when you puts your dollar in the jukebox.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Cousin Willie is on Facebook!
http://www.facebook.com/woltermann?ref=name#/pages/Cousin-Willie-is-the-Red-Neck-Bachelor/182459292871?ref=nf
Willie continues his tour de farce by disgracing yet another source of social networking!
Willie continues his tour de farce by disgracing yet another source of social networking!
Week 2 and Billie Sue is gone!
This week's trip to the minor league hockey game, the Buford Bandits versus the Duluth Dynamos ended in the usual bench-clearing brawl. Perhaps this was a bad night for them to have a throw-back 1970's Pet Rock night. Just saying...
Not to be outdone, Willie threw both of his beers and his Pet Rocks onto the ice and attempted to join the fray by climbing over the protective plastic barrier.
Unfortunately his flannel shirt tail got caught on something and he was left hanging from the wall about two feet off of the ice. Undeterred, he began screaming and cursing at both team indiscriminately until they took notice. They elected to rename the evening to Pinata Night and took to Willie like a pack of frat guys on a free keg.
The remaining contestants, concerned that Willie might not be in any condition to continue the Red Neck Bachelor if he were dead, also stormed the ice.
Red neck chaos ensued.
The end result was three thousand dollars worth of damage to the arena, four players lost for the season, two ABC cameramen are still missing and Billie Sue was given the boot for lifting Willie's wallet while he was suspended over the ice. Fortunately she was only able to get as far with it as the attached chain allowed, but the real damage was done.
She was given the news in that evening's "gettin' dumped" ceremony. She took it with unusual restraint, departing with nothing more than a profanity-laced tirade and some broken beer bottles. Willie's truck had three flat tires the next morning, but that is believed to be a coincidence since it usually has two.
The week's honorary leather wrist strap went to Joolie for her participation in the hockey brawl. In addition to laying out one official with a blindside forearm shot to the head she also was the one who propped open the emergency exit door allowing the group to escape before the police arrived.
Next week: Roller derby!
Not to be outdone, Willie threw both of his beers and his Pet Rocks onto the ice and attempted to join the fray by climbing over the protective plastic barrier.
Unfortunately his flannel shirt tail got caught on something and he was left hanging from the wall about two feet off of the ice. Undeterred, he began screaming and cursing at both team indiscriminately until they took notice. They elected to rename the evening to Pinata Night and took to Willie like a pack of frat guys on a free keg.
The remaining contestants, concerned that Willie might not be in any condition to continue the Red Neck Bachelor if he were dead, also stormed the ice.
Red neck chaos ensued.
The end result was three thousand dollars worth of damage to the arena, four players lost for the season, two ABC cameramen are still missing and Billie Sue was given the boot for lifting Willie's wallet while he was suspended over the ice. Fortunately she was only able to get as far with it as the attached chain allowed, but the real damage was done.
She was given the news in that evening's "gettin' dumped" ceremony. She took it with unusual restraint, departing with nothing more than a profanity-laced tirade and some broken beer bottles. Willie's truck had three flat tires the next morning, but that is believed to be a coincidence since it usually has two.
The week's honorary leather wrist strap went to Joolie for her participation in the hockey brawl. In addition to laying out one official with a blindside forearm shot to the head she also was the one who propped open the emergency exit door allowing the group to escape before the police arrived.
Next week: Roller derby!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
The Redneck Bachelor T-Shirts have arrived!
Get your very own Cousin Willie T-shirt now while they last!
http://www.zazzle.com/p1030380_i_gots_me_a_case_of_the_willies_tshirt-235425891430083934
http://www.zazzle.com/p1030389_i_wanna_be_the_next_mrs_willie_tshirt-235022803867391670
http://www.zazzle.com/p1030383_the_redneck_bachelor_tshirt-235231301394542073
http://www.zazzle.com/p1030380_i_gots_me_a_case_of_the_willies_tshirt-235425891430083934
http://www.zazzle.com/p1030389_i_wanna_be_the_next_mrs_willie_tshirt-235022803867391670
http://www.zazzle.com/p1030383_the_redneck_bachelor_tshirt-235231301394542073
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Week 1 and Laverne is out!
The first week of the Red Neck Bachelor is complete and Laverne the tattooed red head made a quick exit.
I didn't think too much of Laverne's chances, especially when asked which Dukes of Hazard man was her favorite, she replied "Jessie".
Cousin Willie seemed to be in rare form. I hope the Hollywood lifestyle doesn't change him too much. I don't remember a time when his "wife beater" T-shirts looked like they had been laundered, he was drinking name brand beers (Hamms? Seriously?) and I swear I saw what I thought was a coaster.
Scenes for next week included a minor league hockey game and the ubiquitous wet T-shirt contest!
I didn't think too much of Laverne's chances, especially when asked which Dukes of Hazard man was her favorite, she replied "Jessie".
Cousin Willie seemed to be in rare form. I hope the Hollywood lifestyle doesn't change him too much. I don't remember a time when his "wife beater" T-shirts looked like they had been laundered, he was drinking name brand beers (Hamms? Seriously?) and I swear I saw what I thought was a coaster.
Scenes for next week included a minor league hockey game and the ubiquitous wet T-shirt contest!
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Congratulations to Cousin Willie!
My cousin Willie's former high school, B.R. Cyrus H.S., recently recognized him as a distinguished alumni based on his upcoming role in the Redneck Bachelor.
This award was particularly prestigious as Willie never completed high school. I'm told there was some misunderstanding regarding the principal's wife, the principal's car, the principal's house and the principal's garden gnomes...the rest is court sealed.
Cousin Willie tells me he'll put this award on the shelf next to his other scholastic award. In grade school he was voted "Most Likely to Die After Saying 'HEY, EVERYBODY, WATCH THIS!'"
This award was particularly prestigious as Willie never completed high school. I'm told there was some misunderstanding regarding the principal's wife, the principal's car, the principal's house and the principal's garden gnomes...the rest is court sealed.
Cousin Willie tells me he'll put this award on the shelf next to his other scholastic award. In grade school he was voted "Most Likely to Die After Saying 'HEY, EVERYBODY, WATCH THIS!'"
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Willie's profile
For those of you who haven't had the pleasure of meeting my cousin, he's Willie G. Bob Jr., the fourth and star of ABC's upcoming Fall special the Redneck Bachlor.
"Willie facts":
Here's a recent picture of him for you to look at: http://www.woltermanns.com/ramblings/willie.jpg
"Willie facts":
- His friends call him "Billy"
- He has three brothers, also named Willie
- He prefers "the fourth" to be spelled out to make sure people understand he's American and not Roman
- He currently has twenty three separate tattoos...wait...Twenty four, now.
- Willie lived with his mom until he was twenty-five. Sadly, she passed away when he was only eighteen.
- Of all of his ex-wives, SusieLou Cooter-Bob was the best kisser, even better than that skank LeeAnne Cooter [please note that the previous statement was stipulated as a legal obligation from a divorce proceeding and not an indictment of LeeAnne Cooter or any of Willie's other ex-wives]
Here's a recent picture of him for you to look at: http://www.woltermanns.com/ramblings/willie.jpg
the Red Neck Bachelor is coming to ABC this Fall!
I'm excited to leak the news of an upcoming show on ABC this Fall called the Red Neck Bachelor!
This is a real breaking news coup that you won't find anywhere else. ABC isn't going to promote the show at this time because they are saving it for a fall sweeps replacement.
I have knowledge of the show only because my cousin, Willie, is the Red Neck bachelor hisself.
Willie's a great guy, despite what you might've heard about him.
Anyway, I'll share more news as I get it. Stay tuned for more updates here on the unofficial Red Neck Bachelor Blog!
This is a real breaking news coup that you won't find anywhere else. ABC isn't going to promote the show at this time because they are saving it for a fall sweeps replacement.
I have knowledge of the show only because my cousin, Willie, is the Red Neck bachelor hisself.
Willie's a great guy, despite what you might've heard about him.
Anyway, I'll share more news as I get it. Stay tuned for more updates here on the unofficial Red Neck Bachelor Blog!
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