Sunday, December 27, 2009
Cousin Willie's thought fer the day:
Sometimes life is a little too much egg and not enuff nog, if you know what I mean.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Why is Cousin Willie so different?
Alert fan (and probable relation) Louisa has discovered a hidden message in my "Twas the Night Afore Xmas" video. It 'splains a little bit about what makes Cousin Willie a bit different:
Friday, December 25, 2009
Cousin Willie's thought fer the day:
Zzzzzzzzzzzz....capback giddya-off'n my foot...dumb ol' dog...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Cousin Willie's thought fer the day:
Can anybody tell me who this Phillipe Mazeltov guy is and what in the heck he has to do with Xmas?!?
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Cousin Willie's thought fer the day
Every Xmas Eve I end up naked and drunk down in the dumpster of the Piggly Wiggly with a new tattoo that I don't remember, a girl I don't know and a dog chewin' on my foot. Just one year I'd like to skip that dang dog.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Cousin Willie's thought fer the day
Watch out fer them bell-ringin' sunovaguns in front of the Wal-mart...They's awful grouchy of someone else spittin' in they spittoons. No holiday spirit a'tall.
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Cousin Willie's thought fer the day:
I understand Miller Genuine Draft in a can...but whys do they serve it on tap, too?
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Cousin Willie's thought fer the day
I quotes the great Frank Benjamin who said that "Beer is proof that God exists and he wants us to drink more of it".
Smart, smart man. He invented electrical kites, y'know.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Twas the Night Afore Xmas (Redneck Style)
Twas the Night Afore Xmas (Redneck Style)
'Twas the night afore Christmas, when all through the park
Not a dang thing was stirring, even the hounds didn’t bark;
The place was a mess cause none of us care,
but it’s all good ‘cause we gots beers and lawn chairs;
The childrens were bundled all snuggled up in they beds,
Playin’ over that last game of Halo in their heads;
Ol’ mamma in her muumuu, me in flannel and cap,
Just settled down our asses for a big ol’ catnap,
When out on the lawn there came such a noise,
I sprang from my futon and tripped over kid’s toys.
To the window I flew and stuck my head out,
Tore open the thing and screamed out a shout.
The moon was out ‘cause Jeb don’t have blinds
The Meezus cousins, as usual, drunk outta they minds,
When, what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,
But a drop-top ol’ Caddy, pulled by eight crazy deer,
With a little old driver, five feet tall with a stump
I knew in a moment it must be Uncle Lump.
Probably rabid but when he called the deer came,
He whistled, shouted, and called them rude names;
"Now, Basher! now, Slasher! now, Snotty and Twitchin’!
On, Clumpy! on Stumpy! on, Mangy and Bitchin’!
To the top of the porch! Over the busted cement wall!
Now stash away! dash away! smash away all!"
And damned if they didn’t but they started to fly,
I hadn’t had a drink in an hour and I sure wasn’t high,
Up to the trailer-top the deer they did flew,
With a trunk full of booty and Uncle Lump, too.
Thanks to a brick, through my locked door did he pass
While his nasty old deer sat outside passing gas.
As I drew my trusty ol’ pistol, and was turnin’ around,
In the room came Uncle Lump with barely a sound.
He was dressed all in fur, from what I could not tell,
His clothes were all filthy…you wouldn’t believe the smell;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
At least half of them stolen from my ol’ pal Mack.
His eyes we’re all rheumy and crusty with goop!
His nostrils leaked like hoses, his back had a stoop!
He drooled a bit as he sized me up and down,
His beard was sticky, on his boots something brown;
Ash from his pipe was making holes in my rug,
He puffed out a smoke ring and from a flask took a chug;
He pulled aside his coat and I went a bit numb,
Above his fat belly sat a pearl-handled magnum.
He was angry and drunk and had nothing to lose,
So I stepped back away as he packed up my shoes;
And my stereo, jeans, DVDs and Sanyo TV,
Even my statue of Jesus to complete his crime spree;
He spoke not a word, and turned away with a smirk,
And filled his bags with all my stuff, the jerk,
He showed me one of his fingers and stuck another in his nose,
And giving a wink, out the front door he goes;
He sprang to his ride, and he let out a whistle,
And away they flew like an outbound missile.
He gave out a laugh and all the neighbors, they saw it,
"Merry Christmas” he said, and “I got your wallet".
'Twas the night afore Christmas, when all through the park
Not a dang thing was stirring, even the hounds didn’t bark;
The place was a mess cause none of us care,
but it’s all good ‘cause we gots beers and lawn chairs;
The childrens were bundled all snuggled up in they beds,
Playin’ over that last game of Halo in their heads;
Ol’ mamma in her muumuu, me in flannel and cap,
Just settled down our asses for a big ol’ catnap,
When out on the lawn there came such a noise,
I sprang from my futon and tripped over kid’s toys.
To the window I flew and stuck my head out,
Tore open the thing and screamed out a shout.
The moon was out ‘cause Jeb don’t have blinds
The Meezus cousins, as usual, drunk outta they minds,
When, what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,
But a drop-top ol’ Caddy, pulled by eight crazy deer,
With a little old driver, five feet tall with a stump
I knew in a moment it must be Uncle Lump.
Probably rabid but when he called the deer came,
He whistled, shouted, and called them rude names;
"Now, Basher! now, Slasher! now, Snotty and Twitchin’!
On, Clumpy! on Stumpy! on, Mangy and Bitchin’!
To the top of the porch! Over the busted cement wall!
Now stash away! dash away! smash away all!"
And damned if they didn’t but they started to fly,
I hadn’t had a drink in an hour and I sure wasn’t high,
Up to the trailer-top the deer they did flew,
With a trunk full of booty and Uncle Lump, too.
Thanks to a brick, through my locked door did he pass
While his nasty old deer sat outside passing gas.
As I drew my trusty ol’ pistol, and was turnin’ around,
In the room came Uncle Lump with barely a sound.
He was dressed all in fur, from what I could not tell,
His clothes were all filthy…you wouldn’t believe the smell;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
At least half of them stolen from my ol’ pal Mack.
His eyes we’re all rheumy and crusty with goop!
His nostrils leaked like hoses, his back had a stoop!
He drooled a bit as he sized me up and down,
His beard was sticky, on his boots something brown;
Ash from his pipe was making holes in my rug,
He puffed out a smoke ring and from a flask took a chug;
He pulled aside his coat and I went a bit numb,
Above his fat belly sat a pearl-handled magnum.
He was angry and drunk and had nothing to lose,
So I stepped back away as he packed up my shoes;
And my stereo, jeans, DVDs and Sanyo TV,
Even my statue of Jesus to complete his crime spree;
He spoke not a word, and turned away with a smirk,
And filled his bags with all my stuff, the jerk,
He showed me one of his fingers and stuck another in his nose,
And giving a wink, out the front door he goes;
He sprang to his ride, and he let out a whistle,
And away they flew like an outbound missile.
He gave out a laugh and all the neighbors, they saw it,
"Merry Christmas” he said, and “I got your wallet".
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Lyrics for the 12 Days of Redneck Christmas
The Twelve Days of Redneck Christmas
On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
A case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the second day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the third day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Five parts fer my truck,
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Six stock cars crashin’,
Five parts fer my truck,
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the seventh day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Seven ex’s callin’,
Six stock cars crashin’,
Five parts fer my truck,
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Eight strippers strippin’,
Seven ex’s callin’,
Six stock cars crashin’,
Five parts fer my truck,
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the ninth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Nine dogs fer huntin’,
Eight strippers strippin’,
Seven ex’s callin’,
Six stock cars crashin’,
Five parts fer my truck,
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Ten cousins kissin’,
Nine dogs fer huntin’,
Eight strippers strippin’,
Seven ex’s callin’,
Six stock cars crashin’,
Five parts fer my truck,
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Eleven pies of pizza,
Ten cousins kissin’,
Nine dogs fer huntin’,
Eight strippers strippin’,
Seven ex’s callin’,
Six stock cars crashin’,
Five parts fer my truck,
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Twelve songs by Gretchen Wilson (she’s a cutie, ain’t she?),
Eleven pies of pizza,
Ten cousins kissin’,
Nine dogs fer huntin’,
Eight strippers strippin’,
Seven ex’s callin’,
Six stock cars crashin’,
Five parts fer my truck,
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me!
On the first day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
A case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the second day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the third day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Five parts fer my truck,
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Six stock cars crashin’,
Five parts fer my truck,
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the seventh day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Seven ex’s callin’,
Six stock cars crashin’,
Five parts fer my truck,
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Eight strippers strippin’,
Seven ex’s callin’,
Six stock cars crashin’,
Five parts fer my truck,
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the ninth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Nine dogs fer huntin’,
Eight strippers strippin’,
Seven ex’s callin’,
Six stock cars crashin’,
Five parts fer my truck,
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Ten cousins kissin’,
Nine dogs fer huntin’,
Eight strippers strippin’,
Seven ex’s callin’,
Six stock cars crashin’,
Five parts fer my truck,
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Eleven pies of pizza,
Ten cousins kissin’,
Nine dogs fer huntin’,
Eight strippers strippin’,
Seven ex’s callin’,
Six stock cars crashin’,
Five parts fer my truck,
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love sent to me
Twelve songs by Gretchen Wilson (she’s a cutie, ain’t she?),
Eleven pies of pizza,
Ten cousins kissin’,
Nine dogs fer huntin’,
Eight strippers strippin’,
Seven ex’s callin’,
Six stock cars crashin’,
Five parts fer my truck,
Four velvet Elvis,
Three fishin’ holes,
Two busted washers,
And a case of Miller Light just fer me!
the 12 Days of Redneck Christmas
Cousin Willie regales us with his rendition of the 12 Days of Redneck Christmas:
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Pernunciations and Meanings
Some folks say that I can be a little tough ta understand sometimes. Here's a list of some common words and phrases I've been know ta udder and they meanings. More ta come.
T.V. - TayVay: The crown jewel of any proper livin' area or fancy bathroom.
Bathroom - Baithrum: Where a man goes to do his best thinkin' and stinkin'. Heh. I'm a poet and didn't even know it.
Get your drink on - Git yer drink own: What you need to do ta get right before a big night out on the town.
Christmas - Krismus: That special time a year what celebrates when the little baby Jesus come down from space and most of us takes our yearly bath.
Well - Way-ul: The thing what you gets the water from fer the Christmas bath.
Satellite dish - Sat-i-lat dee-ush: The thing what you ties the dog to so he stays in the yard.
Varnish - Varneesh: What happens to a man when the alimony's due.
Foreplay - Furplee: What you gets when you puts your dollar in the jukebox.
T.V. - TayVay: The crown jewel of any proper livin' area or fancy bathroom.
Bathroom - Baithrum: Where a man goes to do his best thinkin' and stinkin'. Heh. I'm a poet and didn't even know it.
Get your drink on - Git yer drink own: What you need to do ta get right before a big night out on the town.
Christmas - Krismus: That special time a year what celebrates when the little baby Jesus come down from space and most of us takes our yearly bath.
Well - Way-ul: The thing what you gets the water from fer the Christmas bath.
Satellite dish - Sat-i-lat dee-ush: The thing what you ties the dog to so he stays in the yard.
Varnish - Varneesh: What happens to a man when the alimony's due.
Foreplay - Furplee: What you gets when you puts your dollar in the jukebox.
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