Twas the Night Afore Xmas (Redneck Style)

Twas the Night Afore Xmas (Redneck Style)

'Twas the night afore Christmas, when all through the park

Not a dang thing was stirring, even the hounds didn’t bark;

The place was a mess cause none of us care,

but it’s all good ‘cause we gots beers and lawn chairs;

The childrens were bundled all snuggled up in they beds,

Playin’ over that last game of Halo in their heads;

Ol’ mamma in her muumuu, me in flannel and cap,

Just settled down our asses for a big ol’ catnap,

When out on the lawn there came such a noise,

I sprang from my futon and tripped over kid’s toys.

To the window I flew and stuck my head out,

Tore open the thing and screamed out a shout.
The moon was out ‘cause Jeb don’t have blinds

The Meezus cousins, as usual, drunk outta they minds,

When, what to my bloodshot eyes should appear,

But a drop-top ol’ Caddy, pulled by eight crazy deer,

With a little old driver, five feet tall with a stump

I knew in a moment it must be Uncle Lump.

Probably rabid but when he called the deer came,

He whistled, shouted, and called them rude names;

"Now, Basher! now, Slasher! now, Snotty and Twitchin’!

On, Clumpy! on Stumpy! on, Mangy and Bitchin’!

To the top of the porch! Over the busted cement wall!

Now stash away! dash away! smash away all!"

And damned if they didn’t but they started to fly,
I hadn’t had a drink in an hour and I sure wasn’t high,

Up to the trailer-top the deer they did flew,

With a trunk full of booty and Uncle Lump, too.

Thanks to a brick, through my locked door did he pass

While his nasty old deer sat outside passing gas.

As I drew my trusty ol’ pistol, and was turnin’ around,

In the room came Uncle Lump with barely a sound.

He was dressed all in fur, from what I could not tell,

His clothes were all filthy…you wouldn’t believe the smell;

A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,

At least half of them stolen from my ol’ pal Mack.

His eyes we’re all rheumy and crusty with goop!

His nostrils leaked like hoses, his back had a stoop!

He drooled a bit as he sized me up and down,

His beard was sticky, on his boots something brown;

Ash from his pipe was making holes in my rug,

He puffed out a smoke ring and from a flask took a chug;

He pulled aside his coat and I went a bit numb,

Above his fat belly sat a pearl-handled magnum.

He was angry and drunk and had nothing to lose,

So I stepped back away as he packed up my shoes;

And my stereo, jeans, DVDs and Sanyo TV,

Even my statue of Jesus to complete his crime spree;

He spoke not a word, and turned away with a smirk,
And filled his bags with all my stuff, the jerk,

He showed me one of his fingers and stuck another in his nose,

And giving a wink, out the front door he goes;

He sprang to his ride, and he let out a whistle,

And away they flew like an outbound missile.

He gave out a laugh and all the neighbors, they saw it,

"Merry Christmas” he said, and “I got your wallet".