Ask Willie: Ping from Beijing

Cousin Willie,

你是一個超級大英雄，今天在北京舉行，我們愛你長的時間！自從你破壞褲子，唱的視頻更大的羞辱威廉黃星政府禁令，你極壞的東西。怎麼辦，沒有更多的表弟威利和觀念保守，沒有結婚？

Ping 北京
 
Dear Ping,

What in the hell are you even talking about?!?  I used one a them fancy Googly translation things to read yer question.  This is what it said:

Dear Cousin Willie,


You are super big hero here in Beijing and we love you long time!  Ever since you destroy pants and sing on video disgracing even bigger star William Huang government ban you very bad stuff.  


What to do with no more Cousin Willie and Redneck with no Marriage?  


With horrifying gratitude,


Ping in Beijing

Well, Ping, I know just what you mean.  I used to have a favorite pizza joint named Spazzo's.  A few months back ol' Papa Spazzo got his place shut down when the police found out he was using the local stray cat population to make his special sausage.  Man, I miss that pizza.

Anyway, never fear.  Even as we speak I am composing a special letter to whatever government you is from explaining the situation.   If the Googly translator is half as good at splainin' my side of things as it did with yer note, then I don't think you got a thing to worry about. 

Just in case, I will be sending along some of my latest Cousin Willie wear.  They is a set of boxer shorts with the phrase "You in good hands with Willie" on the back.  Nothin' but class.

Rock on!

Cousin Willie

Ask Cousin Willie: Buzzed in Boise wonders "the beer or the lady?"

Dear Cousin Willie,


I've been watching that commercial where the guy has his girlfriend ask him who he'd choose between saving his beer and saving her life, and when he doesn't answer right away she gets mad and stomps off.


Have you ever been in that situation?


Buzzed in Boise


Dear Buzzed,

I am appalled that you would even ask me such a question!  Of course I been in that situation.  In fact, many is the time that I have had to choose between my beer and my lady.  And it might surprise you to learn that I choose the lady every time.  Let me 'splain.

Women are much better able to withstand the rigors of a dangerous situation.  An open beer is not.  An example, you ask?

Hanging over a cliff:  Woman? Tousled but okay.  Beer?  Spilt.

Runaway automobile:  Woman?  Dazed but still able to go out for a night of dining and romance.  Beer? Spilt.

Mugger:  Woman?  Upset and no longer able to pay fer dinner, but still able to go to the ATM.  Beer?  Spilt or stolen.

Bear attack:  Woman?  Maybe a little clawed up, but basically serviceable. Beer?  Spilt and maybe even drunk by the bear.

Nuclear explosion:  Well, I gotta admit that there ain't too many winners in that example, but I gotta lean toward the woman again cause she mights get some special radiation powers like being able to clean things up with her mind or cook dinner just by touching it.  Plus the remote possibility of super-enhanced woman parts.

Anyway, try to keep yer priorities straight when faced with difficult situations like those above and don't open yer beer until you have to.

Rock on!

Cousin Willie

Ask Cousin Willie!

Unfortunately the Redneck Bachelor is on hiatus while the producers sort through some legal issues. Evidently several thousand dollars worth of video equipment was "voted off" of the show around the time that Patty Sue was eliminated from the competition.

The network is not alleging a connection between Patty Sue's departure and the disappearance of the equipment. It is worthy of note, however, that Patty Sue was recently spotted with several "enhancements" that Cousin Willie assures me would have left her in good standing with the remaining bachelorettes.

Nevertheless, the police continue their investigation.

In the meantime, Cousin Willie has graciously agreed to answer emails from his many fans who are searching for help on their journey of life. I wish them the best of luck.

Anyway, here is the first installment of "Ask Cousin Willie".

Dear Cousin Willie:

I need some advice. My girlfriend recently left me in order to follow the AC/DC reunion tour across the United States. I'm not sure I can live without her. I miss her smell, the way she looked at me...I even miss her cooking. What do I do? I feel like a total loser!

Busted heart in Tallahassee



Dear Busted,

First of all, AC/DC rocks! When you talkin' about something that rocks at the level that AC/DC rocks...well you just throw out the rule book. I remember the first time I saw AC/DC in concert. There were a lot of other chicks who left they boyfriends there, too. I must've talked to all of 'em. So you ain't a total loser. You just a regular loser like all them other guys.

My advice to you is this. Go to an upcoming AC/DC concert. Find yer girlfriend. When you see how happy she is rockin' out to a great band like AC/DC you won't feel so bad! After that go outside and find some poor gal who left her boyfriend to watch AC/DC tour but couldn't afford to get in. She'll probably go out with ya. Especially if you bought a concert tour T-Shirt.

Rock On!

Cousin Willie

Redneck Idol: Pants on the Ground

Cousin Willie auditions for the Redneck Idol competition...His song of choice...the now-famous Pants on the Ground!

Cousin Willie's question fer the day:

I know the thumb's fer gettin' a ride, the first one's fer pointin' and pickin', the middle one's fer disagreein' and the third one's fer 'splainin' why you can't have a good time no more...whut in the name of Billy Ray Cyrus is the pinkie fer?

Cousin Willie's thought fer the day

I wanted to get myself on that Match.com, but all I gots is lighters...

Twilight: Sweet Home Urbana

What happens when Edward and Bella move south to Urbana, Ohio?