Cousin Willie hopes for a shout out from a rock-n-roll god!
Monday, February 22, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Cousin Willie and the Art of Breakin' Up
Cousin Willie explains how he has managed to stay single for so long
Friday, February 19, 2010
Ask Cousin Willie: Sally from Seattle needs some help for her son
Dear Cousin Willie,
I'm concerned about my youngest son, Milford. He has always been a straight-A student, a courteous young gentleman and my pride and joy. Now he's lost all interest in school, he's hanging out with some really seedy characters and spends all day on the Internet looking at porn!!
He has a real chance to get a scholarship to a good school but only if he gets his act together.
What do I do?
Sally from Seattle
Dear Sally,
I've known many, many people like Milford in my life and I must admit that I hated every one of them. Showin' off all they good manners and excusin' theyselves after they break wind and the like...it makes the rest of us look bad! Was his daddy English or somethin'?
I suspect that after spendin' some time with these "seedy characters" you'll see yer son in a better light. Especially after he gets outta prison and rehab and all. Nowhere to go but up from there, I always say...
Wait one gosh-darned minute. The Internet has porn!?! When did this happen and why hasn't nobody told me?
I'll be right back.
I'm concerned about my youngest son, Milford. He has always been a straight-A student, a courteous young gentleman and my pride and joy. Now he's lost all interest in school, he's hanging out with some really seedy characters and spends all day on the Internet looking at porn!!
He has a real chance to get a scholarship to a good school but only if he gets his act together.
What do I do?
Sally from Seattle
Dear Sally,
I've known many, many people like Milford in my life and I must admit that I hated every one of them. Showin' off all they good manners and excusin' theyselves after they break wind and the like...it makes the rest of us look bad! Was his daddy English or somethin'?
I suspect that after spendin' some time with these "seedy characters" you'll see yer son in a better light. Especially after he gets outta prison and rehab and all. Nowhere to go but up from there, I always say...
Wait one gosh-darned minute. The Internet has porn!?! When did this happen and why hasn't nobody told me?
I'll be right back.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Bode in Vancouver asks Cousin Willie if he should change his image
Dear Cousin Willie,
Well I missed gold at the Olympics again. I just don't get it. What kind of world do we live in where a guy can't party all night, show up on time and not beat the rest of the field? Willie, my man, you of all people should understand my pain.
What can I do get my groove back? Should I take it on the straight and narrow and give up my playboy ways?
Bode from N.H. but stuck in Vancouver
Dear Bode,
It is indeed a tragedy of Greek proportions that major party hounds like the two of us gots to explain why we likes to party. It is not only our right as big time studs to ROCK ON but I say it is our duty! So if I hear any more talk about you slowin' down I will personally come over and kick your ski-suited butt.
While I got yer attention, maybe you can explain a few things about winter Olmpicanin'...
Do they let regular guys like us in the biathlon or is it only for the...you know...undecided folk?
What is a Nordic and why do people want to jump over it? Is it like one a them furry elephants?
Why would anyone want to do Snowboring? That can't be no fun at all and probably won't get you no chicks.
I think I would rock it at the Luge. I can spit like nobody's bidness.
Why would any guy admit that he was into Curling? Might as well sign up for Baking...at least then you can make yerself somethin' to eat when you gots no women to come over and do it for ya.
And speed skating?!? I thought they drug tested you guys!
Well anyway, best of luck with the partyin'. If you need help with any of them cute figger skaters you know who to call.
Rock on!
Cousin Willie
Well I missed gold at the Olympics again. I just don't get it. What kind of world do we live in where a guy can't party all night, show up on time and not beat the rest of the field? Willie, my man, you of all people should understand my pain.
What can I do get my groove back? Should I take it on the straight and narrow and give up my playboy ways?
Bode from N.H. but stuck in Vancouver
Dear Bode,
It is indeed a tragedy of Greek proportions that major party hounds like the two of us gots to explain why we likes to party. It is not only our right as big time studs to ROCK ON but I say it is our duty! So if I hear any more talk about you slowin' down I will personally come over and kick your ski-suited butt.
While I got yer attention, maybe you can explain a few things about winter Olmpicanin'...
Do they let regular guys like us in the biathlon or is it only for the...you know...undecided folk?
What is a Nordic and why do people want to jump over it? Is it like one a them furry elephants?
Why would anyone want to do Snowboring? That can't be no fun at all and probably won't get you no chicks.
I think I would rock it at the Luge. I can spit like nobody's bidness.
Why would any guy admit that he was into Curling? Might as well sign up for Baking...at least then you can make yerself somethin' to eat when you gots no women to come over and do it for ya.
And speed skating?!? I thought they drug tested you guys!
Well anyway, best of luck with the partyin'. If you need help with any of them cute figger skaters you know who to call.
Rock on!
Cousin Willie
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Ask Cousin Willie: B.O. from D.C. needs some advice from Cousin Willie
Dear Cousin Willie,
Lately I've grown disenchanted with my job. It seemed like a wonderful opportunity when I took it, but things have really gone downhill since then. No matter what I try to do I can't seem to make anyone happy. Do you have any advice? By the way, in honor of President's Day, who's you favorite leader of the free world?
Best wishes,
B.O. in D.C.
Dear B.O.
I hear ya, brother. Your particular plight reminds me of my high school days when I was in charge of the corner Drink-N-Drive. All my buddies would come by hopin' to get some free beer just 'cause they knew me. And my boss wasn't too keen on me givin' away the beer. What was a poor redneck boy to do?
Much like King Salmon of the Bible I came up with a solution: I drank every last beer myself. That way it wasn't around to tempt nobody into doin' somethin' they wouldn't be happy with.
So my advice to you is find out where your boss keeps all the beer, drink it, and bam! Problem solved.
And to answer yer last question, I have always been fond of President Clinton mostly on account of him havin' that alter ego Slick Willie that I can identify with.
I likes me George Warshington cause we both have some teeth problems.
James K. Polk 'cause his name makes me giggle.
Grover Cleveland 'cause I likes Sesame Street.
Abe Lincoln 'cause I feel sorry for his unfortunate hair style.
Richard Milhous Nixon 'cause he was named after that kid from the Simpsons.
James Madison 'cause of his wife's pies.
But mostly Rutherford B. Hayes and Teddy Roosevelt, 'cause you know that with names like Rutherford and Teddy they had to be tough ol' SOBs.
Good luck with yer job and make sure to lock the door 'til the beer is all gone.
Rock on!
Cousin Willie
Lately I've grown disenchanted with my job. It seemed like a wonderful opportunity when I took it, but things have really gone downhill since then. No matter what I try to do I can't seem to make anyone happy. Do you have any advice? By the way, in honor of President's Day, who's you favorite leader of the free world?
Best wishes,
B.O. in D.C.
Dear B.O.
I hear ya, brother. Your particular plight reminds me of my high school days when I was in charge of the corner Drink-N-Drive. All my buddies would come by hopin' to get some free beer just 'cause they knew me. And my boss wasn't too keen on me givin' away the beer. What was a poor redneck boy to do?
Much like King Salmon of the Bible I came up with a solution: I drank every last beer myself. That way it wasn't around to tempt nobody into doin' somethin' they wouldn't be happy with.
So my advice to you is find out where your boss keeps all the beer, drink it, and bam! Problem solved.
And to answer yer last question, I have always been fond of President Clinton mostly on account of him havin' that alter ego Slick Willie that I can identify with.
I likes me George Warshington cause we both have some teeth problems.
James K. Polk 'cause his name makes me giggle.
Grover Cleveland 'cause I likes Sesame Street.
Abe Lincoln 'cause I feel sorry for his unfortunate hair style.
Richard Milhous Nixon 'cause he was named after that kid from the Simpsons.
James Madison 'cause of his wife's pies.
But mostly Rutherford B. Hayes and Teddy Roosevelt, 'cause you know that with names like Rutherford and Teddy they had to be tough ol' SOBs.
Good luck with yer job and make sure to lock the door 'til the beer is all gone.
Rock on!
Cousin Willie
Friday, February 12, 2010
Ask Cousin Willie: Tofer in San Diego mourns a lost hero
Dear Cousin Willie,
I was grief-stricken to learn of the death of Walter Morrison the inventor of the Frisbee, the greatest recreational device in American history. Many are the summers that I would spend on the beach spinning my discs and soaking in the sun. I am totally bummed. You got anything to cheer me up?
Tofer in San Diego
Dear Tofer,
I share your sadness at the passing of this great old coot. The Frisbee is one of the greatest American inventions of all time, right behind the pickup truck, the pump action shotgun and the Dukes of Hazzard. The best part of a Frisbee is you can use it for so many things:
A pan for catchin' oil from a leak in your truck
A hat for when it's rainin'
A surprisingly good contraceptive (don't even ask)
Somethin' to hold your marbles
and, in a pinch, a container that holds approximately 14.75 ounces of beer
The world is a lesser place fer his passing.
Rock on in sorrow,
Cousin Willie
I was grief-stricken to learn of the death of Walter Morrison the inventor of the Frisbee, the greatest recreational device in American history. Many are the summers that I would spend on the beach spinning my discs and soaking in the sun. I am totally bummed. You got anything to cheer me up?
Tofer in San Diego
Dear Tofer,
I share your sadness at the passing of this great old coot. The Frisbee is one of the greatest American inventions of all time, right behind the pickup truck, the pump action shotgun and the Dukes of Hazzard. The best part of a Frisbee is you can use it for so many things:
A pan for catchin' oil from a leak in your truck
A hat for when it's rainin'
A surprisingly good contraceptive (don't even ask)
Somethin' to hold your marbles
and, in a pinch, a container that holds approximately 14.75 ounces of beer
The world is a lesser place fer his passing.
Rock on in sorrow,
Cousin Willie
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Ask Cousin Willie: Drew from the Big Easy has a case of the Willies!
Dear Cousin Willie,
I'm a big-time sports guy and I've got a huge game coming up soon. I've played in some big games before, but nothing like this. I've never been this nervous. Any advice?
Drew from the Big Easy
Dear Drew,
You may not know it to watch me on the TV, but I have always been afraid of appearin' on camera. Ever since I found out that the camera adds ten pounds I had it written in my Redneck Bachelor contract that they couldn't point more than two of 'em on me at one time. I've never been much of a dieter.
I was so worked up before the pilot episode of the Redneck Bachelor that I spent most of the morning throwing up. Course that may have had as much to do with the Cheetos and hot wings and the eighteen pack of the Beast I had the night afore as anything else. Well, whatever...if I ain't learnt nothin' else, it's that nothin' solves problems better than applyin' more beer.
So you downs you a twelve pack of yer favorite brew and go do yer thing! If it don't work out...it's cause you were drunk! What'd everyone expect?!?
Throw hard, run fast and rock on!
Cousin Willie
I'm a big-time sports guy and I've got a huge game coming up soon. I've played in some big games before, but nothing like this. I've never been this nervous. Any advice?
Drew from the Big Easy
Dear Drew,
You may not know it to watch me on the TV, but I have always been afraid of appearin' on camera. Ever since I found out that the camera adds ten pounds I had it written in my Redneck Bachelor contract that they couldn't point more than two of 'em on me at one time. I've never been much of a dieter.
I was so worked up before the pilot episode of the Redneck Bachelor that I spent most of the morning throwing up. Course that may have had as much to do with the Cheetos and hot wings and the eighteen pack of the Beast I had the night afore as anything else. Well, whatever...if I ain't learnt nothin' else, it's that nothin' solves problems better than applyin' more beer.
So you downs you a twelve pack of yer favorite brew and go do yer thing! If it don't work out...it's cause you were drunk! What'd everyone expect?!?
Throw hard, run fast and rock on!
Cousin Willie
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