Art Appreciation Month Begins Now!

Some have said that this blog lacks culture.  Well, I'd like to find out who said that and rip him a new one.  But just to show how artsy-fartsy I can be, I have decided to kick off Art Appreciation Month in May on the RedNeck Bachelor Blog Site!

Now before you get all bored and see what disgusting stuff is showin' on YouTube, jest wait a ding-dang minute.

You know that I, Cousin Willie, would not bring somethin' like Art Appreciation Month to yer attention unless it was a jaw-droppin', knee-slappin, butt-kickin' good time...Am I right?  Oh, you knows I'm right!

Okay then, let's get er started!  I know it ain't May yet, but I'm so danged tickled ta get this thang goin' that I can't stand myself!

Who better ta start this thang off than the one and only:

Art LaFleur

What is there ta say about the world's busiest actor.  Ol' Art has been in approximately eighty million feature films and television shows and chances are you don't even know his name.  But I bet y'all recognize him.

Yup, this is Art LaFluer.

Over the years he has played dads and uncles and grandpas.  He's played coaches and sergeants, CIA agents, henchmen, detectives, wardens and neighbors.

He has even been the tooth fairy and Babe Ruth.  Twice.

Despite his consistent appearances in TV and the silver screen, not much is known about the real Art LaFluer.  Well that's about ta change:

Art LaFleur was born to a travellin' band of menstral singers back in Gary, Indiana in 1943.  Y'all might notice I didn't say minstrel singers.  That was not a mistake.  Menstral singin' enjoyed a small flash a popularity back in the early forties before little ol' Art came along.  After a short period that style of music kinda dried up.  Ahem.

Due to this lack of interest, Art's folks moved around a lot, which was tough on the little guy.  He learned early that to make friends he had ta come up with interestin' characters, personalities and stories to make new friends.  This was the early beginnin' to what would blossom into a long career as a spy for the US government.

That's right.  Art LaFleur was a spy.  

I was able to obtain several hundred classified government documents thanks ta a Googly search of a couple a Russian websites.  Just search fer the phrase "Art LaFleur is a stone cold killin' spy" in Russian.  Oh, yeah.  Make sures ya use the Old Novgorod dialect or you'll get some weird results about Leonid Brezhnev's time as an eyebrow model fer Avon.  That's a story fer another time.  A weird one, too.

Anyhow, after a dozen confirmed kills, Art decided a life of danger and intrigue wasn't fer him.  So he quit that and went inta acting.  Ironically, his first television role was playing a Russian spy on "Rescue From Gilligan's Island". 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5W7KGRl_ScQ Check out 1:07 into the video - you'll thank me!

This show was broadcast across the world as everyone wanted ta see our favorite seven stranded castaways finally get rescued.  When the KGB saw that Art, a known US agent, was portrayin' a Russian spy with such incredible skill and accuracy, it sent things over in Mother Russia into a tizzy.

One thing led to another and eleven short years later, the Berlin Wall fell, taking with it the remnants of Cold War Communism.

That's right.  Art LaFluer personally put an end to the Cold War.

Today Art, although aging gracefully, has had to put aside his typical character of some cute chick's Dad or the local high school football coach.  Cause after a while that gets kinda creepy-like.  But if ya squints a little bit you can still see the guy next door that gives ya mean look fer checkin' out his teenage daughter.

God bless you, Art LaFluer.  And Rock On!

Ask Cousin Willie - George from NY wants to know about the world's biggest problem

Ask Cousin Willie:  George from New York has a question for Cousin Willie.

Dear Cousin Willie,


What would you say is the biggest problem facing the world today?  Is it over-population, nuclear arms, global warming or something less obvious?


Best wishes,


George from a quiet farm in upstate New York

Dear George from the farm,

That is a very, very good question and you has come to the right Willie ta solve it!

Over-population?  Sure, it's a drag havin' ta spend so much time waitin' in line fer everythin', but let's think this out...A bigger population means what?  That's right.  More women.  And if three years a remedial math taught me nothin' it's that more women means a bigger chance a scorin' fer guys like you an me.

Nuclear arms?  I'm assumin' you ain't talkin' about the big guns under these here flannel sleeves, are ya?  Are ya?  'Cause it's entirely possible.  However, I assume yer referrin' to the threat a imminent atomic destruction.

Well, if nothin' else, it solve the over-population problem, don't it?  Let's just hope that all them bombs miss you, me and all them extra women.

Global warming?  If you've been payin' any attention at all then yer right here with me:  Lots a extra women, way fewer men, the fear of nuclear annihilation and now an excuse fer the remainin' women ta wear skimpier clothes.  George, I don't see the downside of any of this ta you and me, buddy.

No, the world is facing a much, much bigger crisis today than any a them:  Zombies.

That's right, them poor-dressin', brain eatin', moanin-up-a-storm slackers are everywhere.

In fact, just recently Michelle Obama...or as I like ta calls her, the Hottie-in-Chief, visited the country of Haiti, where, as you can see from this news photo, she was immediately set upon by small children zombies.  AP photo by Brennan Linsley - who is probably not a zombie.

Sure children zombies is cute and they don't likely eat much, but really...what in tarnation was them Secret Service guys doin' while this was goin' on?

Fortunately I happen to know from experience that Miss Michelle is quite capable of takin' care of herself when it come to close-quarters hand-ta-hand combat, especially when it involves gropin' and bitin'.  That's probably a story best left fer another day, though. 

So what are we, as non-zombie citizens of this earth (mostly), gonna do about this zombie problem?

I would like ta propose the followin' three step process:

1.  Quit feedin' the suckers.  I know, I know it sounds simple but theys an awful lot a people goin' round town with absolutely no head protection at all!  You might be surprised ta learn what a nice full head a mullet hair and a ball cap will do fer turnin' aside the unwanted attentions a the undead.  Dang ol' zombies can chew on me fer twenty minutes before they reach brain and you can take that to the bank.

2.  Identify the zombies.  How can you avoid or get rid a zombies when you don't know what they look like?  Here are some examples a people known ta be zombies that might surprise y'all:

Pee-Wee Herman - Okay, probably not all that surprisin' in some cases.

Nichole Kidman - Huh.  She can chew on me any ol' time.  Kinda explains the whole Tom Cruise thang, though don't it?

Mickey Rourke - He only recently become zombie-fied.  I think they gots ta him somewhere after Sin City and before the Wrestler.

Dick Clark - Contrary ta popular opinion Dick Clark is not a member of the zombie undead.  He's just a regular undead.  Big difference.

3.  Round 'em up and lock 'em up.  I know a lot a you favors the shotgun solution when it comes ta zombies, but it's messy, noisy, time-consumin' and uses up bullets that could be better spent shootin' critters that we can then eat.

I think a better solution is ta round up all the zombies, stick 'em some place safe where they won't get inta nothin' and then use 'em when we need 'em.  Where you ask?  Unfortunately I think my backyard shed is a bit too small...what d'ya say about Hollywood?  It's big enough, conveniently located and frankly, I doubts that anyone would even notice any zombie-related shenanigans.

What would we use 'em for?

Now I'm just spit-ballin' here, but what red-blooded American wouldn't pay good money ta see Zombie football?  And I got two words for ya:  zombie.  porn.  Nuff said?  Yup, thought so.

So, in summary, George, I think I've laid out a workin' plan.  And all good plans needs them a code name.  I recommend Operation Zombie, er OZ fer short.

As leader I'll go by the code name a Wizard, 'cause I think y'all know where I'm goin' with this.  Ater all, Dorothy's Auntie Em?  A zombie.

This here's the Wizard, signin' off ta OZ with a big ol' Rock On!

What I likes about Spring

1.  The young gals are startin' ta dress less.  A course so do the old ones, but no season is perfect.

2.  Watchin' the grass grow like crazy!  Mainly 'cause I likes ta see my dumb ol' neighbor Lester workin' his fool butt off.  Heck, I'll spend half the day sittin' out back on the warsher, drinkin' a brew and watchin' Lester sweat.

3.  Not mowin' my crazy high grass.  'Cause I'm busy doin' the whole dislikin' Lester thang and it seems ta drive him nuts.

4.  New Spring fashions!  This time of year I change out my old flannel shirt and underdrawers with a fresh set.  Whether I need to er not.

5.  Baseball starts up!  Listenin' ta the game gives me a built in somethin' ta do when I'm out in the yard drinkin' beer and laughin' at Lester.

6.  Hot tubbin'!  The water in the rain barrel ain't quite as nippy this time a year.  Fer the more festive occasions I'll heat it up a notch with the ass-etylene torch an' drag the ol' TV out fer re-runs a Dukes of Hazzard.  Good times!

Cousin Willie has a case of the pukes!

What makes Cousin Willie sick to his stomach?  Find out here!

the Redneck Bachelor continues!

Great news, y'all! All that missin' camera equipment managed to turn itself up. What it was doin' in the back of my shed under all them tarps I will never know.

Anyway, as most of y'all saw, this week's episode commenced with the ever-popular pie eatin' competition!

Nothin' like seein' six of prettiest gals around shovel through a table full of good ol' pies.

The first to finish was Peggy Lou, though she was quickly disqualified fer ralphing half of 'em back up a few minutes later. Rules is rules, y'know.

That left our true winner to be Brenda. She's the one with that tattoo that the TV folks keep blurrin' out.  As the big winner, Brenda got ta have the special romancin' date with me at the Outback Steak House. 

I ain't gonna lie ta ya, folks.  Things got pretty crazy that night.  I went with the tater skins and the Bloomin' Onion.  Yup...it was a special kinda night, y'all!

Stay tuned fer next episode when I take three lucky ladies to the dentist! 

Rock on!

Ask Cousin Willie: Dave from Dayton thinks Cousin Willie could use some help

Dear Cousin Willie,


I've been studying your blog site for some time and I feel it necessary to point out that it is rather pedestrian.  With the ample selection of Web 2.0 technologies so readily available why don't you invest in a technology upgrade and move your website into the 21st century?


Technologically unimpressed, 


Dave from Dayton

Dear Dave,

First of all I don't even own a horse, so please don't accuse me of pedestrianism.  Secondly, I kinda like your suggestion.  Maybe it is time for a web site upgrade.

The only problem is I have no idea what a web site is and anyway I don't especially like spiders.

Speakin' of which, you seem like a smart fellow..can you tell me how to get some man channels on this computer thing? All I can get it to do is pop the beer holder thing in and out and click on buttons to make the big Googly box go away.

After three weeks of no NASCAR and no Go Daddy commercials I'm startin' to think the guy that sold me this thing ripped me off!

Rock on in t3chn0L0gy!

Cousin Willie