Ask Cousin Willie - George from NY wants to know about the world's biggest problem

Ask Cousin Willie:  George from New York has a question for Cousin Willie.

Dear Cousin Willie,


What would you say is the biggest problem facing the world today?  Is it over-population, nuclear arms, global warming or something less obvious?


Best wishes,


George from a quiet farm in upstate New York

Dear George from the farm,

That is a very, very good question and you has come to the right Willie ta solve it!

Over-population?  Sure, it's a drag havin' ta spend so much time waitin' in line fer everythin', but let's think this out...A bigger population means what?  That's right.  More women.  And if three years a remedial math taught me nothin' it's that more women means a bigger chance a scorin' fer guys like you an me.

Nuclear arms?  I'm assumin' you ain't talkin' about the big guns under these here flannel sleeves, are ya?  Are ya?  'Cause it's entirely possible.  However, I assume yer referrin' to the threat a imminent atomic destruction.

Well, if nothin' else, it solve the over-population problem, don't it?  Let's just hope that all them bombs miss you, me and all them extra women.

Global warming?  If you've been payin' any attention at all then yer right here with me:  Lots a extra women, way fewer men, the fear of nuclear annihilation and now an excuse fer the remainin' women ta wear skimpier clothes.  George, I don't see the downside of any of this ta you and me, buddy.

No, the world is facing a much, much bigger crisis today than any a them:  Zombies.

That's right, them poor-dressin', brain eatin', moanin-up-a-storm slackers are everywhere.

In fact, just recently Michelle Obama...or as I like ta calls her, the Hottie-in-Chief, visited the country of Haiti, where, as you can see from this news photo, she was immediately set upon by small children zombies.  AP photo by Brennan Linsley - who is probably not a zombie.

Sure children zombies is cute and they don't likely eat much, but really...what in tarnation was them Secret Service guys doin' while this was goin' on?

Fortunately I happen to know from experience that Miss Michelle is quite capable of takin' care of herself when it come to close-quarters hand-ta-hand combat, especially when it involves gropin' and bitin'.  That's probably a story best left fer another day, though. 

So what are we, as non-zombie citizens of this earth (mostly), gonna do about this zombie problem?

I would like ta propose the followin' three step process:

1.  Quit feedin' the suckers.  I know, I know it sounds simple but theys an awful lot a people goin' round town with absolutely no head protection at all!  You might be surprised ta learn what a nice full head a mullet hair and a ball cap will do fer turnin' aside the unwanted attentions a the undead.  Dang ol' zombies can chew on me fer twenty minutes before they reach brain and you can take that to the bank.

2.  Identify the zombies.  How can you avoid or get rid a zombies when you don't know what they look like?  Here are some examples a people known ta be zombies that might surprise y'all:

Pee-Wee Herman - Okay, probably not all that surprisin' in some cases.

Nichole Kidman - Huh.  She can chew on me any ol' time.  Kinda explains the whole Tom Cruise thang, though don't it?

Mickey Rourke - He only recently become zombie-fied.  I think they gots ta him somewhere after Sin City and before the Wrestler.

Dick Clark - Contrary ta popular opinion Dick Clark is not a member of the zombie undead.  He's just a regular undead.  Big difference.

3.  Round 'em up and lock 'em up.  I know a lot a you favors the shotgun solution when it comes ta zombies, but it's messy, noisy, time-consumin' and uses up bullets that could be better spent shootin' critters that we can then eat.

I think a better solution is ta round up all the zombies, stick 'em some place safe where they won't get inta nothin' and then use 'em when we need 'em.  Where you ask?  Unfortunately I think my backyard shed is a bit too small...what d'ya say about Hollywood?  It's big enough, conveniently located and frankly, I doubts that anyone would even notice any zombie-related shenanigans.

What would we use 'em for?

Now I'm just spit-ballin' here, but what red-blooded American wouldn't pay good money ta see Zombie football?  And I got two words for ya:  zombie.  porn.  Nuff said?  Yup, thought so.

So, in summary, George, I think I've laid out a workin' plan.  And all good plans needs them a code name.  I recommend Operation Zombie, er OZ fer short.

As leader I'll go by the code name a Wizard, 'cause I think y'all know where I'm goin' with this.  Ater all, Dorothy's Auntie Em?  A zombie.

This here's the Wizard, signin' off ta OZ with a big ol' Rock On!